August 30th

Antoine dropped a couple of wooden spoons into the large stockpot and placed the smaller pot inside to the side. The hole mass went into a plastic shopping bag which he put by the door with the tackle box. The tackle box contained a king’s ransom of spices. Everything from plain old garlic powder to smoked Hungarian paprika and various “secret ingredient” spices, like Filé powder, that he refused to tell people about. The tackle box was an odd choice for spice storage but Antoine found that his own small kitchen in the dorm meant that this served him best for holding the assortment of small plastic and glass containers while saving cabinet space for larger things. He whistled a jaunty tune as he retrieved that last of the ingredients. From his fridge, fresh shrimp and chicken sausage. In a bag beside the fridge were fresh bell peppers, onions, garlic, carrots, okra, a stick of spicy dried chorizo, and lastly a small bag of white rice. Everything went into a pair of bags and Antoine loaded up his large hands holding a veritable farmer’s market of fresh food and everything he’d need to cook it.

He headed out to his car and put everything inside. Checking that he had the small scrap of notebook paper with the directions he’d scrawled on it, Antoine climbed into his beater of a station wagon and started out to Amber’s. Twenty minutes later he parked the car near her building and got out. Gathering his things he locked the car and started for her building.

The cracked and broken sidewalk should have been repaired years ago, but instead weeds and anthills sprouted up from between rent concrete. None of that stopped the kids from trying to play craps. They were a little young for it, but the flash of coin as they played for money showed that this was a real game. The stakes and the players may have been small, but they were just as dedicated as adults.

As Antoine approached the building he saw that the front door was safety glass which had two bullet holes in it; given the wear around the cracks, the holes were years old. Inside the building smelled musty and the carpet was worn through in places. A man sulked in a corner, eying Antoine as he came in but making no move to talk to him. He had dried blood on his shoes. The elevators were out of commission, according to the sign, so the stairs were the only way up. The second floor looked a little better than the lobby - a glance down that hallway showed newer carpet and the paint looked as if it had been touched up recently. The musty smell was also faded.

The third floor was Amber's floor, and the carpet had returned to the threadbare rug of indeterminate color that filled the lobby. The paint was chipped and in one spot where someone had patched a hole but hadn't done anything else. The smell of burnt Mexican food hung unpleasantly in the air. Antoine found the door to Amber's apartment and knocked with the hand that was carrying less stuff. "Hey babe, it's me open up!"

Three deadbolts popped back and a chain rattled before Amber swung open the door. She was deeply embarrassed that Antoine had to see her apartment building, but it wasn't something that she could hide. So when he'd wanted to come over to show her how to cook, she didn't try to stop him.

Now, her gray eyes studied him, looking for any sign of disgust. She wasn't sure what she saw in his dark handsome face, and she simply stood on tiptoe to accept the kiss he was bending down to give her. Just a kiss, sadly, but the door was open. Amber reminded herself to remain calm and not push him, even as he curled her toes and eased a soft whimper from her.

Of course, there were ways to push that weren't pushing. The daisy dukes that were cut a wee bit too short were an example of that, as was the spagetti-strap tank top. She'd put her hair up in anticipation of the work of cooking, baring her neck and shoulders. She was showing an indecent amount of flesh, but it was her house and her boyfriend.

The apartment was clean, which was the best point in its favor. The kitchen was immediately on the left and consisted of a single counter with a fridge and a stove. A small, battered table and two chairs were just past the kitchen, and a dresser stood behind that, pushed against the far wall. The studio made a rough "L" shape, though Antoine couldn't see what was around the bend. A small closet was to the right; boxes were stored in it, most of them marked 'Melody.' There was maybe 500 square feet to the place.

"Welcome to my apartment," Amber said, stepping back so that he could enter the room. As he set the stuff down in the kitchen, she closed the door and said, "The bathroom is around the corner, if you need it." She smiled at him before asking, "So, what's the first lesson?"

Antoine bent over and kissed Amber long enough to let her know that he appreciated the outfit but not so long as to tease about more being immediately forthcoming. Mustn't toy with her like that just yet, she must be damn near crawling out of her skin already. "Well you look ready for a charity car wash or seducing your boyfriend. Lucky guy he must be." He walked in an surveyed the tiny apartment, he didn't say anything, not wanting to judge her for the place she lived. She's had a tough life recently, I know that and I'm going to make it better. "First we put the seafood in the fridge and start cutting up the veggies."

Everything fresh save the veggies and the fresh sausage went into the fridge which was basically empty. Antoine closed it behind him and gave Amber an admonishing look. "Amber, honey, that fridge makes me sad. I know you're out of work but if you need to you can borrow money from me for groceries, I mean you have to eat!" He wasn't mad just concerned, and she could see that in his eyes. He went to her and lifted her up to him, his hands finding her denim covered rear rather pleasant as she wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. "And don't even think about saying no to that offer," he kissed her deeply then pulled his head back, "... What was I saying?" Stop toying with her. You can't tease her like a normal girl, she aint normal and it may not be safe to get her all riled up without a release ... recall what she said about the ... you know ... Yeah. He smiled and kissed her again reveling in her touch, her taste and scent. Yeah, maybe it's time I bled off some pressure for her before she bursts...

Amber's heart juped a little at his concern, but it jumped more - and started pounding - when he picked her up. She quickly found her customary hand holds, even as her skin tingled from the feel of him through her clothing. And the kissing - oh, the kissing was leaving her breathless. And she wanted more, so much more. Her fingernails dug lightly into his skin as she burned with need and want. She had to remind herself that it was his pace to set, not hers. But she couldn't help teasing a bit.

"I don't know what you were saying," she murmured as she wiggled against him a bit. "I know what I'd like you to be saying - your alphabet."

"What?" He pulled back and looked at her quizzically.

Amber sighed at her unintentional breaking of the mood. "It's a joke... some comedian used to say that the advice he'd been given for performing oral sex on a woman was to draw the a-b-c's with your tongue. And now... that's not funny anymore." She grinned at him before nosing her way into the crook of his neck, her warm, soft lips working gently at the skin of his neck.

Antoine gave Amber a squeeze pulling her tightly against his body. He turned his head and inhaled her smell deeply as he kissed the top of her head. As she made him forget entirely about the meal that needed cooking Antoine walked to the bed. Antoine folded at the knees and then lay Amber down atop the covers. His hands moved around to her hips and up slowly tracing the curve of her waist as he located her mouth with his and reacquainted himself to her tongue once more. His hands slipped up the curve of her waist and he caught the bottom of her tank in his fingers towing up upward toward her bosom as his hands explored ever higher.

With some effort, and regret, he disengaged from her kiss and gently withdrew his head from her hands. "Let me see ... A is for Amber, who's touch is electric..." He pulled the tank up over her breasts, which he found to be unencumbered by a bra, and up over her head, his hands sliding up her arms as he did so, guiding her to raise her arms over her head. He kissed them, in return Amber released a soft moan. "... B is for breasts, perfect and round..." He stopped as the tank cleared her mouth but the remainder of her face was still covered and darted in for a quick kiss. Amber returned it with enthusiasm despite being blinded and sighed as he withdrew once more. He slid the tank up over her head completely and up her arms as he brought them together above her.

With a grin he wrapped the tank-top around her wrists binding them together lightly. Amber struggled some, twisting in his grasp but saying nothing. Antoine could see the looks of desire and defiance meld in Amber's eyes. "Ssshhhh, I'll be gentle." He removed his right hand, leaving his left to keep her arms outstretched, and caressed her cheek. "... C is for caress, which is no longer enough..." He trailed his fingertips down her neck and to her chest. He slid his hand around her waist again and pulled her up to him again for longer lingering kiss. Amber's attempt to wriggle free ceased as she gave in to him, soft moans of pleasure vibrated from her lips to his. "... D is for Desire, pulling us together ..."

Amber could feel his breath on her lips as he spoke. "Relax, just let me do this for you..." He released her wrists and slowly moved his hand away as he lay her down on the bed once more. Content that she would not fight it his hands moved to undo her shorts as he trailed kisses down her torso, tickling and teasing and pleasuring her skin. With her hips wiggling to aide him Antoine freed Amber of her shorts and panties, tossing them behind him without a care as his mouth found its way ever closer to her sex. "... E is for ... ecstasy, yours to experience and mine to give..." His hand trailed from her waist around to her back and then down to her thigh. With a little coaxing he spread her legs and brought her left leg up and over his shoulder. He slid his cheek down the inside of her thigh, stopping every few inches to gently kiss and nip at the delicate and sensitive flesh.

Amber gasped as she realized what Antoine was doing. If she'd know that all she had to do was get him over to her house, she'd have invited him a while ago. Grinning eagerly, she threw herself into the games, the blinding and the binding, kissing him when he was close enough for it. His breath on her leg was driving her mad and she was nearly panting by the time he reached the apex of her legs. His first kissing caress tore a cry from her throat, making the dark giant wonder how thick the building's walls were. He didn't really care; she could scream all she wanted.

For a time, the two occupants were completely involved in one another - the feel and taste of bodies, the sweet fire of ignited passion. Finally, Antoine achieved the goal he desired, as Amber gave a true scream and bucked against the bed. Antoine held her gently and continued his efforts, driving her ever-further over the edge, until he'd rung her dry, leaving her limp and silent. Grinning at the beautific expression of bliss on her face, he crawled up the bed and lifted her so that he could draw her against him. She snuggled to him, her limbs moving with a careless weight. "Better?" he murmured, kissing her lightly.

"Mmm-hmm," she murmured, moving her hands lazily over his body.

He caught her fingers and kissed them lightly. "That's ok," he said. "I'm ok."

Amber frowned at him. "Don't you... aren't we?"

"You needed that release," he said softly, running his fingers over her face. "We have a ton more letters of the alphabet, and time to do more, later."

Amber wanted to argue with him, that no, she may not have time later. But she'd agreed to not push him, so she just nodded. "If not sex, then would you like a blow job?" she asked, smiling a little. Her fingers brushed the bulge at the front of his shorts. "Seems like you need some relief, too."

Damn right I would ... is it safe? Werewolf teeth, seriously ouch ... she didn't go all furry just now, and by the way her back was arched and her screams ... yeah good point, no way she faked that, and if she didn't she sure as hell kept control ... After a moment's Antoine rumbled a chuckle, "You must think I'm queer or something. Turning down sex and all. Would I like a blow? Of course, I'm a guy. Do I need one? Well the body sure as hell thinks so ... but ..." He trailed off and gave Amber a squeeze, he was half sitting half slouched, his back to the corner of the wall. One leg was bent and his foot rest on the bed, the other dangled off the bed kicking air idly. Amber was curled against his chest, her legs pulled up to her body as though trying to press every last bit of herself to him. His arms were wrapped around her and he looked down into her face, seeing the sheen of pleasure sweat and the endorphin sparkle in her eyes.

"But what?" she asked, looking all at once innocently confused despite a wickedly seductive smile. She was more than willing to make his dreams come true but she'd made the decision to push him; tug and pull him, yes, but she wouldn't push.

Yeah, but what? ... He couldn't hide his interest from her hands, nor was there cause or want to do so either. " ...but, I'm not asking for it either. I don't expect you to return the favor unless you want." Good god man! ... she'd better want to ...

She saw the doubt in his eyes, and for a second, she wondered what that was about. To drive that look away, she nosed lightly into his shirt-covered chest, enjoying the scent of him under the obfuscating aroma of laundry soap and dryer sheets. She wondered when she'd be allowed to press against his naked flesh fully, to be cradled in his arms as he moved in the primal mating dance with her. There were times she didn't understand him. Now would be one of those times, but she wanted to understand.

Amber rolled her eyes. "Unless I want? Unless I want? Antoine, sweetie... if I didn't want to do it, I wouln't have offered. While some woman may think that they have to give you a blow job out of a sense of fairness, I just want to." Amber gave him a little smile as her fingers slipped into his shorts, running her nails lightly over his underwear. "You're not some stranger in an alley - you're a guy I really, really like."

"Only really, really?" Antoine chuckled.

"Maybe a bit more than that," Amber agreed, applying enough pressure on Antoine's body to make him groan a little. Leaving off the heady torture she'd been administering, she slid his shirt up his chest, revealing a strong torso that begged for kisses. Never one to deny herself or others, Amber rose to her knees and pressed her lips to his skin. She helped him finish removing the shirt; then she moved to his shorts. Eagerly, restraining herself only with effort, she removed his shorts and underwear in one move.

She paused; she had to, to study him, naked in front of her. He was as impressive as he had claimed and Amber took a moment to consider this before deciding that it was a challenge - one she intended to conquer. Reaching out, she gently stroked him, her lust-filled eyes meeting his. With a smile, she bent down and started with a soft kiss on his tip. From there, she lost herself in giving him pleasure.

Antoine didn't think. He couldn't have done so even had he wanted. Instead he let his head fall back and his eyes slide half shut as Amber proceeded to send him into an abyss of pleasure. Occasionally he would raise his head and watch but as often as not he simply rode the wave of sensation. He touched her hair and face we he could bring himself up out of the fog that Amber wove in his head. He would run his fingers through her hair pushing it to the side or back out of the way, or he would brush her cheek or her neck. With an explosion it ended, a gasped breath in an a shuddering release were accompanied but a profusion of muscle spasms and an intense moment of clarity as his brain was overloaded. Pleasure drove away everything wiping his mind to a blank standstill. For a moment he didn't breathe and he could have sworn his heart simply took a pause as well as if every last fiber of his being were joined in mind blowing ecstasy.

Antoine opened his eyes an indeterminate time later and found Amber sitting on her legs staring at him, a smile on her face. Seeing his eyes open she leaned forward onto hands and knees and stalked toward him. She lay herself down next to him wrapping one of her legs around his and draping an arm over his chest. Antoine gave Amber a smile, "That was ..." words failed him, his brain was still reeling from sense overload.

"Just the beginning," Amber said softly, grinning up at him. She paused to nibble on dark skin, her lips and teeth playing with sensations until Antoine made a soft noise of pleasure. Tossing back her hair, Amber shifted until she was on top of him, temptingly close to a more intimate connection. Watching him enjoy the aftershocks of pleasure, Amber wondered what he was waiting for.

He'd said he "wasn't ready" for sex, which Amber had just disproved. Well, she corrected herself, she'd just proved his body was ready for sex. Which left his mind and his heart. She thought she knew his heart; she understood that he was pulling away from this Ashe woman emotionally, and Amber could be patient about that - for a while. But did she really know him? She wasn't sure, not really, and she suspected that she never would, not unless he became Uratha. That thought bummed her out. To have him as a lover, and lose him to Luna - the thought was painful.

But there were other ways to lose him too. She hadn't told him about the man-eater, half-afraid that he'd insist on coming with them on the hunt. She was happy to go hunting with him sometimes, but this hunt was not for him. Should she tell him about it anyway? With a sigh, she deferred the decision. "So, what are you thinking about now?" Her hands caressed his arms and shoulders as she spoke, subtly urging his thoughts southward.

"What am I thinking about?" Antoine smiled and wrapped his arms around Amber. "I'm wondering how it came to be that I came over to make you dinner and instead ended up naked with you on top. Not that I'm complaining, it just wasn't in my plan for the evening." Antoine kissed her again, a little peck on the forehead, another on her nose, and then a longer kiss on her lips. As she melted under his attention Antoine rolled and Amber found herself looking up into his eyes as he held himself above her. Antoine smiled at the combination of surprise and lust on her face. "As wonderful as this feels, dinner will not cook itself." Amber frowned, almost a pout, but Antoine continued, "Besides I'm only human ... I do need at least a little time to recharge." He pushed away and stood, striking a pose with fists on his hips and a broad smile. "Duty calls and dinner awaits!" Amber couldn't help but laugh, which earned an easy deep rumble from Antoine as he bent to offer her his hand, "Now are you going to just lie about basking the in the afterglow or are you going to learn to cook something other than mustard on spoon?"

Amber stuck her own pose for a moment on the bed, watching for his eyes and expression to note her sexiness. When she was sure that all he was going to do was watch her, she took the offered hand and allowed him to pull her up. When his strong arm had her upright, he put the other around her and kissed her firmly. Then he released her and pulled on his shorts, moving to the stove. Sighing, Amber pulled on her shirt and her underwear, following him and wondering if he really was that hungry.

"What's wrong with mustard on a spoon?" Amber asked as she stopped next to him in her small kitchen, knowing that she was being a little sulky.

"It's not food," Antoine said, giving her a smile, "and not food for a growing werewolf."

Amber rubbed her belly. "I'd damn well better not be growing," she grumped in a paux-snit. "We shouldn't get fat. Not without exterior circumstances."

"You might get fat on my cooking," Antoine said, completely solemn. "It is powerful stuff."

"The only thing that should get me round-bellied is pregnancy," Amber said, raising an eyebrow and watching his reaction with a touch of amusement.

Antoine gave Amber an exasperated look and pushed a handful of veggies into her hands, "You are baiting me. I won't fall for it." His voice said he was serious but his eyes held sadness and concern, She's hurting from having Melody taken away from her ... heal that wound first ... Antoine handed Amber a smaller knife and took up the large chef's blade. He began to slice the chorizo and the chicken sausage into chunks. His hands worked quickly and nimbly as the meats were quickly reduced into bits. He turned the stove on an put a huge pot that seemed to Amber to be far larger than needed onto the stove.

"How are you making out?" He came up behind her, and looked over her shoulder. "Here try holding it like this and feeding the food through the blade not the other way around." He guided her hands to a proper grip on the knife and then carefully showed her how to slice properly. After she had the rhythm down he released her hands and let her move at her own pace getting comfortable as she sliced carrots and peppers and onions into a dice. Antoine wanted to just wrap his hands around her again and hold her, he was certain that was all she wanted as well but there was time enough for love. "So...," he began as he dropped the sausage into the giant pot. The meat started to sizzle and pop immediately, "Right now I'd rendering the sausage." She looked at him confused, "Cooking them, and cooking the fat out. The fat we'll use later to cook those veggies when you are done with them."

She nodded, "OK, almost done."

"Good," he said giving the suasage a stir and then stepping back to her. "You're doing just fine. Can I ask you something? Something serious I mean?" She nodded, Antoine couldn't see her face and so he simply forged ahead. "When can you visit Melody next? I think I would like to go with you when you do."

The cutting slowed for a moment; that was the only visible reaction Antoine saw from her. "I haven't gotten a first visit, yet," Amber said. "Quitting my job will probably slow that down more, since my social worker wanted me to show forward progress by being gainfully employed for a bit before the visit was to happen. And with me quitting... it'll probably be a while." She glanced at him, smiling a little. "And I'd like to go alone my fir-" She cut herself off, actually stopping the vegetables. "Nevermind," she said after a moment. "You can come.

"Oh, hey, while you're here," Amber added quickly. She put down the knife and veggies and wiped her hands on a towel. Crossing the small room again, she picked up a small picture frame, resting face down on the window sill. Moving back to Antoine's side, she turned it over for him to see. "This is her," she added unnecessarily, beaming a little as she looked at the cute baby. "This is... golly, about a month old. It's the newest I have, so she's a bit bigger than this. Probably a lot bigger."

Antoine put his arm around Amber, "She's gorgeous, just like her mom. And if you don't want me to come along I don't have to. The first time they let you see her I mean. I understand if it's too much to handle for you, but I'm here if you need me." Antoine regarded the picture. The chubby little cherub depicted therein tugged at his heartstrings with little effort. Antoine liked kids, and this baby was special because of his growing feelings for her mother. Quietly Antoine reaffirmed his promise to Amber, "We'll get her back to you."

"Thanks. That means a lot to me," Amber said easily, not trusting herself to say anything more. She turned and put the picture up on the fridge. She did this a lot - moving Melody's picture around the apartment. She didn't do it around others, so it felt a bit odd doing it in front of Antoine.

"So... veggies," Amber said, slicing them quickly and turning to Antoine. "They're sliced. Now what?" She looked at him with bed-mussed hair, half-naked, a pile of sliced veggies in front of her. She looked like a sexy domestic, but the sure knowledge that she wasn't anything like that at all was probably the most enticing thought. "You said we'd use the fat - how?"

Antoine nodded, the moment over, "Well first you finish chopping and I fish out the cooked sausage." He started to pull out the suasage from the pot with tongs and place them into a bowl. He tipped the pot toward Amber, "Here, you see how the sausage is nicely browned and the fat and stuck on bits have a bunch of color? That's basically all extra flavor. This stuff ain't healthy but it sure does taste good." He finished removing the meat and then put the pot back on the stove, turning the heat to medium. "OK you all set over there?" Amber nodded, and did a little ta-da! flourish that made Antoine laugh. "OK bring the whole thing over here."

Amber carried the board over to the stove and Antoine took it from her, "Now we're going to sweat the veggies down in the fat. We could us any old fat but this has a bunch of flavor so we reuse this rather than taking something new." He swept the cut veggies into the pot with his free hand and there was immediately a great sizzle and fragrant steam erupted from the vessel before the heat stabilized. Antoine inhaled deeply, "Powerful mojo, you can already smell it." Amber sniffed and them smiled a little rapture like smile at the smell. "Now while this cooks we got to open the stock up. You got a can opener?"

Amber listened closely to Antoine's instructions, enjoying the smells and sights of the cooking food. "Um... no. Not... I can get the cans open, though," Amber said easily. "Hand those over." Dubiously, Antoine handed her the cans. Amber glanced down at her hands and focused-

Without warning, they were larger and furred, with wicked claws. Eeriely, the rest of her remained unchanged; it was strange and unnatural. With those monstrous appendages, she easily split off the tops of the cans. "Ok, now what?"

Antoine's eyes went wide, "Well, now I put away the can opener I brought and we wait for the veggies to get soft." Amber looked at him silently, "I figured that it would go faster if we both had can openers but, what you did works too." He grinned and stirred the veggies about. "Can you get the rice out of that there," he pointed at a large coffee can with a plastic lid. "Measure out three cups into that pot. The measures are in the bag if you don't have any."

As Amber measured the rice Antoine slowly added the stock and a can of tomato paste to the pot and stirred. He grabbed his spices and quickly added a dash of this, a pinch of that, and more into the pot as he turned the heat up. "OK Pour the rice in and the sausage and then stir it all up. Lower the heat and cover it." Amber did as instructed as Antoine removed the shrimp from the fridge and started to shell and de-vein them. "Here, last thing, probably the worst part, we got to remove the shells and veins from the shrimp." He showed her how and when they were done he killed the heat on the stove and dropped the shrimp into the pot then stirred and covered it. "There should be enough heat to finish cooking the rice and the shrimp. Should be ready in about twenty minutes." He washed his hands and put the dirty stuff into the sink.

They could either clean dishes or find something else to do. Amber knew which she'd rather be doing, and with a rapacious grin, she took Antoine's hand and led him back around the corner where the bed was. "Amber..." he said softly, but the grinning werewolf just pressed a finger to his lips.

"Hush for just a moment," Amber purred. "It just occurred to me that you've gone really far out of your way to do something nice for me, so I'm going to return the favor." She pushed him to the edge of the bed until he buckled his knees and sat down. With that same coy smile, she pulled off her tank top, though she left her underwear on. She sat on his lap, running her hands over his short hair, then down his neck where her fingers began to gently kneed his shoulders. Leaning forward, she kissed him lightly, just soft little brushes of her lips. The main source of stimulation was the relaxing shoulder rub she was giving him - and the excellent view, of course.

Pick your battles, don't try a running play against a strong defensive line. Antoine was caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one side he could let this continue, knowing that she would drag him inexorably toward making love. On the other he could push back, and in doing so hope that he did not push her away. I'm in a pickle now... "Amber ..." She ignored him but for a murmur as she presser her lips to his again.

Antoine sighed inwardly as he put his hands on her arms and pulled away from her. "Amber, please, I realize this is new for you but ... but not everything has to be physical between us. And right now, right now I'm not ready for it to be. Please don't push." His eyes were steady but Amber could make something out, something deep within, a hurt that he'd yet to tell her about.

She wanted to get mad. No, she was mad. Here she was, being really nice to him, and he-

Amber lifted herself off his lap and got her shirt. Her jaw was locked in place as she pulled on her shirt and sat down on the floor facing him. "This isn't what I'm used to," she said bluntly. "To me, what I was doing was sexual, but not pushing for sex. I didn't mean to push you, but I have no idea what I'm doing, clearly. So you tell me, right now. What can I do, and what can't I do to not be pushy?"

She was really trying here, but she was also getting frustrated. What did he want? Did he want to talk? She could do that. But it was becoming more and more apparent she didn't understand him. Thankfully, there was a cure to that - asking him. Hopefully, he would lay out some clear boundaries for her, and they could work this really frustrating shit out.

Antoine flopped backwards on the bed. "Crap," he said staring at the ceiling. "Hon, I'm sorry, I know I must be frustrating as hell to deal with. I swear I'm not trying to be. It's ... how the hell do I say this?" He sat up and looked at her his face sad, "I was burned pretty bad by my last girlfriend. I don't mean the last girl I had sex with, I mean my last girlfriend." He scrubbed his face with his hands, searching for the right words took time but he didn't want to lose his nerve.

"Four years ago when I started school here, I met a girl. We were in love, like really in love, or at least I thought so. She was two years ahead of me and studying pre-law. When she graduated she chose her career over our relationship. She went back home, back east, to go to school. I dunno if she ever loved me the way I loved her. She didn't seem to think twice about breaking it off with me, about leaving and never seeing me again, never being together again." Antoine stopped and wiped his eyes, no longer caring if Amber saw this weakness, it was part of him and it hurt like hell.

"She .. she was the girl I lost my virginity to. For a while I'd associated sex and lovemaking as the same thing. In a way I still do, so while I can enjoy what we did earlier anything more intimate ... it's just going to have to wait. Were it nothing more than a fling, a one night stand, a quick fuck and forget, I could do it. But I want it to be more than that with you. More than just sex.

"What you were doing just now, it wasn't active pushing but ... it's still a reminder that you want the full level of intimacy that I cannot yet give to you. I'm sorry I hope this makes sense. It took me a while to get over Susan, and in a way I think I'm still trying. Maybe I won't be over her until I'm in love with somebody else." I hope to God that made sense to her.

Images of finding this Susan and pushing her face-first through a nest of Azlu danced in Amber's mind. She wasn't that upset that she'd hurt Antoine - she was a bit torqed about it, sure since she didn't like him to hurt - but that she'd managed to complicate Amber's life so effectively. And by all accounts, the bitch had done it without trying.

"Well, I guess this means you weren't really in love with Ashe after all," Amber said, the words sliding out of her mouth with all the grace of a one-legged duck trying to land. She considered that they weren't good words when they'd come out, and the flicker of hurt in Antoine's face confirmed that thought. "Damnit... this isn't something I do well, Antoine. I don't do the 'right words' really well. Put me in a fight, and I'm fine. Put me in a scenario where I don't want to hurt someone and I'm walking on emotional eggshells, and I'll fuck it up every time." Her gray eyes were angry as she clenched a fist tightly, feeling her muscles working and stiffening with tension.

"I don't know what I'm doing." Amber said the words flatly; it was as close as she could admit to the frustration she was dealing with. "Ray... we got high together and we had sex. When I was clean, when I was pregnant, he was gone making money or hanging with friends. When he was around, we had sex. So I know how to get high with my boyfriend, how to fuck my boyfriend and how to have his baby. Alone. I don't know how to be the kind of girlfriend you want me to be. I mean, if you want me to go East and find this Susan and push her face into a blender, that I know how to do. But here, this, right now? Lost. I'm completely out of my depth."

Maybe she's right, maybe I never cared that much for Ashe. How could I I never even knew who she really was. Antoine lowered himself to the floor and knelt in front of Amber. "I know baby, and I'm trying my hardest to keep in mind that you're used to a much more physical relationship. I mean, I don't normally offer to teach a girl to cook on the second date. I'm trying to keep you happy without ... without losing it." He sniffed, "We've both got a lot to work out. But I'm willing to try if you are, and I'll be dammed if I'm going to let my prior relationship ruin things going forward. I promise you that I'll give this every damn ounce of effort I can if you."

Antoine leaned back on the end of the bed and shifted into a seated position, his knees bent and his arms resting on them. "If you'll have patience with me I promise it'll be worth it. And I'll help you to be more than a werewolf who knows how to have sex. For now though, maybe you should take your direction from me when it comes from intimacy, or just ask me. Now if you want why don't you just let me hold you and be close."

Amber wanted to be held, but she didn't want that either. Her mind and body were all scrambled together. She wanted to run and hide; she wanted to jump on Antoine and take what he wouldn't give her. After all, she was the stronger of them.

It took little effort to rein in her desires. None of that was what she really wanted, because all that she really wanted was for things to be simpler. Antoine was wanting her to stretch and bend in ways that she wasn't, and Amber wasn't sure she could do it. Why was she learning to cook? She didn't need to know. And 'be more than a werewolf?' Why was he wanting to complicate everything?

"I think I need to sit here for a moment," Amber said. "I'm incredibly frustrated, and being held by you won't help. Not in that way, anyway. Can't you give me some do's and don'ts? I'm willing to work with them, but asking your permission or letting you take the lead all the time is way to... submissive for me." That'd drive her crazier than this non-physical dating. "Can we make out? Where's the lines? I need to know this, Antoine."

Antoine frowned, "It's not that easy. I'm not ... oh hell this is crazy. Yes we can make out, we can pleasure each other, we already proved that, but not sex, not love making, not just yet. I need more time. Blame me if you like, god knows any other guys would just hold on and hope for the best. Me? I'm worried that you're going to go and get yourself killed by some vampire or spirit or something, that my heart will get broken again. I don't know that I can be that strong, not yet. I wish I could just give you a list but I can't, hell I'm not even sure myself Amber.

"I'm trying ... but maybe that's not enough."