Folks, it has come to my attention that many of us out here really, really enjoy good food. And some of us are even capable of cooking some pretty tasty things.

That being the case, let's share!

Sergio Leone Beef Stew

If you've ever watched a Sergio Leone "spaghetti western" -- something like The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly -- you've seen a bunch of rough characters sitting at a table, glaring at each other while they eat stew out of big bowls with big spoons. Said stew always looks the same: big chunks of meat, potato and carrot, and apparently dry as a bone.

Over time, I've come up with a stew that has the same "look and feel" as this staple of a semi-mythical Old West, and that is darned tasty to boot. So throw on your ten-gallon hat, rope yourself a steer and try your hand at my Sergio Leone Beef Stew.

3 lbs. Chuck roast
3 lbs. Red potatoes
2 lbs. Carrots (either whole or baby, though it'll turn out better with whole)
Red wine (optional)
Worcestershire sauce
Coarse-ground black pepper
Italian seasoning (should contain oregano, rosemary, and thyme at a minimum)
Goya-brand adobo all-purpose seasoning with pepper (if you can't get this, substitute garlic salt)
Bay leafs
Lipton's Beefy Onion soup mix

Cut chuck roast into stew-sized chunks, discarding any large sections of fat. Put beef in large stew pot with a tight-fitting lid, then add a splash of red wine, a liberal splash of Worcestershire sauce, and liberal amounts of coarse-ground black pepper, Italian seasoning, adobo, a bay leaf, and a packet of the soup mix. Cover and slow cook over low heat (and I mean low, as low as your range will go except for the ridiculous "warm" setting that is on some electric ranges) for one hour; stirring is not necessary, but do it if it makes you feel better.

Cut potatoes (with skin) into chunks; skin and slice carrots (unless using baby carrots). Add potatoes and carrots to stew pot. Add liberal amounts of coarse-ground black pepper, Italian seasoning, adobo, another bay leaf, and the second packet of the soup mix. Cover and continue to cook over low heat, stirring every half-hour or so, until potatoes become tender. Turn off heat, let sit for a few minutes, then serve. Serves anywhere from four to ten, depending on appetites. If serving with a wine, a full merlot such as Black Opal is a good fit.

This makes a somewhat dry stew; it creates its own liquid from the meat and vegetables, and is not soupy. For a bone-dry stew, remove approximately half of the liquid that will be in the pot before adding the vegetables, and then remove most of what is left of the liquid after the vegetables have cooked for an hour. For a soupy stew, find another recipe.

Pirate Chicken Marinate

This is a marinate that orginated with my father. On weekends he would soak chickenwings in this before grilling it outdoors. Our entire family loves the stuff. However I have adapted it for general uses as both a Beef and Chicken marinate and find it enjoyable.


1/2 cup soy sauce
1/2 cup water
2 Tbs. Lemon Juice
1 Tbs brown sugar
2 Tbs Salad oil
1/4 tsp. hot pepper sauce
1 tsp garlic (powder or fresh)
1/4 tsp black pepper

Hmmmm. I'm really not much of a cook when it comes to recipes. But.


1 whole big fucking onion
1/2 bulb of garlic
Extra Virgin Olive Oil (eyeball it)
3-4 boneless skinless chicken thighs
2 cans of sour-cream and chives potatoe soup.

Cut up the onion and cook it up in a skillet with the olive oil. Cut up the chicken and cook it up with the onions. Chop up the garlic very fine and toss it in. Then put in the soup and cook on low until you get a simmer going and keep going for awhile until it seems right.

Nummy stuff there Maynard.

Stole this one from Dork Tower but people seem to love it.

Igor Bars.

Take chocolate chip cookie dough and make pan cookies (one big fucking cookie covering the bottom of a pan).

Then pour melted caramel covering the cookie.

Then put a layer of rice krispie treat to cover the caramel.

Put a nice thick layer of chocolate to cover the rice krispie treat.

You can top it with peanuts or crushed toffee depending on what twirls your nipples.


Cut them up and serve them to people who like a whole lot of fucking sugar.

World's Juciest Turkey

The holidays are coming, and with them comes turkey. Hours of that wonderful smell seeping out of the oven and into the house, with promises of tender, tasty slices of bird...promises that all too often turn into something with all the moisture content of drywall and about as much flavor.

I hate dry turkey. I hate it with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. And for that reason, I came up with this recipie, which hasn't failed me yet.

Here's what you need:

A roasting pan.
A rack that will fit inside the roasting pan, preferably giving you an inch or so of clearance between the rack and the bottom of the pan.
A meat thermometer.
A box of round toothpicks.
A good quality turkey (I recommend Honeysuckle White).
Three or four cans of chicken broth.
A clove of garlic.
A bag of naval oranges.
OPTIONAL: Some blackberries and/or red raspberries. WARNING: these will cause gravy color issues; see below.

After thawing the bird forever and ever and ever (or, if you're smart, picking up a thawed bird that you arrange for ahead of time at your local supermarket), put the rack in the roasting pan. Dump in the chicken broth until it's up to the level of the roasting rack. Slice up or press your clove of garlic, and dump it in the broth.

You can start pre-heating your oven to 275-F now.

Clean your bird. That means taking out whatever is packed inside it -- neck, bag of organs, gravy packet, whatever -- and giving it a good rinsing from the tap. If you really want to cook up any of those part you take out of it, feel free, but don't ask me for instructions; I toss the nasty things.

Open that bag of oranges, and slice 'em all in half. Tuck one under the neck skin flap of your bird, rounded side out, and tuck the flap underneath to hold it in place. Shove three or four inside the bird (if using the optional berries, add a handful inside the bird as well). Set your bird on the rack in your roasting pan. Then, using the toothpicks, tack as many of the remaining orange halves onto the outside of that bird (cut side to the bird, of course) -- on the breasts, on the wings, on the legs...wherever you can fit them. If you are using the berries, go ahead and tuck them in wherever you can between the orange halves.

Stick in the meat thermometer (in a breast, not touching bone), and pop the whole bizarre-looking bird into your 275-F oven.

It's going to take a few hours, but eventually the meat thermometer is going to creep up to 155-F. When it does, take the bird out just long enough to remove the oranges from the outside of the bird (just dump them in a bowl and set them in your kitchen somewhere; they'll make a nice scent). Put the bird back in the oven, and keep it in there until you get to an internal temperature of 165-F. (Yes, I know that the USDA says 185-F. The USDA lies.)

Take the bird out of the oven, and let it settle for five minutes before you start to carve it. If making gravy, remove the bird from the pan for the settling time, and use the drippings from the pan to make gravy by whatever means you prefer.

BERRY COLOR WARNING -- If you use the optional berries, you are going to get purple gravy. Now this might disturb your Aunt Gertrude or Cousin Morris, so if it's going to be a problem, don't use the berries.

If everything has gone well, when you slice the bird you are going to have amazingly juicy turkey. Some of the chicken broth will have been drawn up into it, a fair amount of the juice from the oranges will have been drawn into it, and having those orange halves plastered all over the thing will have kept a lot of the moisture from evaporating out through the skin (though, by taking the orange halves off at 155-F, the skin will still be crisp). You'll get a little hint of the orange flavor through the bird, strongest at the outermost slices of the breast (and the skin, of course). And folks aren't going to go through pitchers of water trying to get dry bird down their throats.

Home Style Chili

1 Large Can Tomato Juice
1 lb Ground Turkey (or beef)
1/2 an Onion
Tablespoon (or two) Finley Chopped Garlic
2 Cans Kidney Beans (I like Dark Red myself)
1 Small Bottle Chili Powder.

Take a large pot (with a lid) and brown the meat in it with the garlic and onion. Once the meat is browned, dump everything else in (at least half the bottle of Chili powder needs to go in, the more the better). Simmer for a few hours and you are good to go.

This is a fairly flexable meal. Options include:
-Adding spegetti or some pasta at the end
-Adding some veggies either when you are browning the meat or simmering the chili.
-Some wine somewhere in there.
-Spices!! I love adding different types of spices, tobasco sause, basil, what have you.
-Hot Peppers. Best when brownign the meat I think. Gives the entire dish a good kick!

Baked Ham

OK, here's an easy one, also just in time for the holidays. You will need:

A smoked ham -- boneless and pre-cooked (which is pretty much how most hams are sold these days in the supermarket).
Brown sugar.
Spicy brown mustard (Gouldens works nicely).
Ground clove.

Preheat the oven to 350-F.

Take your ham and score it in a cross-hatch pattern; set it in a shallow baking dish.

Dump the whole bottle of mustard in a mixing bowl, and add roughly an equal amount of brown sugar, then start mixing. What you want is to be able to taste a dab of it and have neither ingredient overpower the other; just keep adding the sugar until you get to that point. Then mix in a liberal amount of ground clove.

Pour the entire mix over the ham, and pop it in the oven. All you're shooting for here is to get the ham nice and warm all the way through; an hour or hour-and-a-half will do the trick. You may want to spoon some of the mixture back up onto the ham each half-hour or so.

Take the ham out, transfer it to a cutting board, and let it set for a few minutes before carving. If you're having mashed potatoes, take some of the drippings -- which will be rich with that brown sugar/mustard/clove mixture -- and combine it with some corn starch and water in a saucepan to work up a nice gravy (only takes a few minutes).

That's it. Tasty ham, tasty gravy, and you don't have to pick whole cloves out of it.

My wife makes the same thing with one difference. Replace the mustard with honey. Works just as well, though it's not as spicy.

Nuclear Glop

Chicken (breasts or tenderlions, as much or as little as you want)
1 box of Chicken Rice-a-Roni
Bag of frozen Peas and Carrots (may substitute as desired)
Italian Seasoning (to taste)
Wine (just a splash for seasoning)
Olive Oil (enough to coat the bottom of your pan)
Garlic (to taste)
Salt/Pepper (to taste)
Other spices as desired (to taste)

This is a realtively cheap and easy meal. First, take the chicken and cut it into bite-sized pieces. Add the seasonings, garlic, wine, spices and oil into a pan; cook the chicken pieces in this mixture. Set the cooked chicken aside for a moment.

Prepare the rice-a-roni as per the instructions on the box (you can use the same pan as the chicken for extra flavor). When you are ready to boil the water, add the chicken back to the pan. Add the peas and carrots.

Simmer under cover until the rice is soft and the water is gone. Serve warm (though it makes great leftovers, too!).

Garlic Chicken

6 to 8 chicken breasts
½ cup of Olive Oil
40 Garlic Cloves.
Whole seasoning like thyme, not from a can but from the branch

Take chicken, grill them up to get a nice surface texture and appearance (but not worrying about making them done) Then put in a half-cup of olive oil, 40 cloves of garlic, and some whole seasoning like thyme, And cook covered in the same skillet in the oven at 350 for one hour.

Purchase some gourmet bread because the cloves of garlic mix with the oil and become like a spread you can use on the bread. This dish is very very good but I warn you. You will smell of garlic for a day afterward.

Honky Nachos.


Beef Rice-a-roni.

Cook that shit up.

Add in this order: grated chedder (mix it up so it can start to melt), diced tomatoes and finally sour cream.

Scoop it up and munch it with tortilla chips.

Simple, tasty and really bad for you.

Remember, folks: turkey recipie in this thread.

Bloodspirit's Broiled Mushrooms

1 package sliced dry fresh Portobello mushrooms
1 tsp Tumeric
1 tsp Curry powder
1 tsp Cayenne pepper
2-3 tsp White pepper
2-3 tsp Black pepper
Oil of your choice
1 tsp Cinnamon
1 tsp Paprika
1 tsp Garlic powder
Any other spices you wish to add

Take the oil and half of the white and black pepper. Coat the bottom of a small round tin(like the kind you get from some restaurants for take out.) Take the mushroom slices and coat them gently with the oil and pepper mixture. Put them on a baking sheet covered with tin foil. After all the slices are laid out, gently sprinkle the slices with the remaining spices. Take the baking sheet and put it under the broiler in your oven for 3-4 minutes. Take out and serve on toothpicks. Enjoy.

It's holiday time again. Remember, there's a darned good turkey recipe in here....

16-18 small/medium ripe red tomatoes.
De core the bastards.
Cut them into three thick slices.
Place in a roasting pan.
Sprinkle with sea salt and pepper.
Heat oven to 400 degrees.
Roast those fuckers for 80 minutes.


Take out of the oven and combine the
tomatoes with 32 oz of free-range or
organic chicken broth.

Puree the tomatoes in the broth.

Take five turkey sausages (sweet) and remove
the casings. Fry up in a pan with one diced
red pepper and one diced onion. Make sure the sausage
is torn up into little pieces.

Combine the two pans. Cut the kernels off the cob
of one corn cob and add into the soup. Simmer for
ten minutes.

Enjoy.

Motherfucking Twenty Dollar Ambrosia Pesto

Here's the shit you need:
- A lot of basil. Yeah, I mean, a lot. Enough to fill your blender about 3/4 when you press them down. That's a lot of basil, yo.
- As much garlic as you like. I usually go half a clove, because fucking garlic is awesome.
- As many pine nuts as you can hold in your tightly-clenched fist without losing any of them.
- Maybe a dozen walnuts or so, shelled.
- A brick of parmasean the size of DS Lite, shredded. The cheese, not the DS.
- Shitloads of olive oil. Seriously, just go buy a new bottle.
- The motherfucking hottest Italian sausage you can find. Don't get the sweet kind, it'll taste horrible. Get a pound and change.
- Half a pound or so of portabella or shiitake mushrooms. I prefer shiitake, but portabellas are easier to find and cheaper.
- An assload of whole wheat pasta. I cannot emphasize WHOLE WHEAT enough. Seriously, don't go fucking up a nice pasta dish with fucking white pasta, you peasant. I usually go two containers.
- Some white wine, enough to fill a small pan.

So this is what you do, man:
You blend the basil, pine nuts, walnuts, garlic, and parmasean in your blender, using the olive oil to lubricate the process. You want it to be a smooth blend, but don't turn it into a power drink. It should be the consistency of other pasta sauces: thick, but not immobile. Now take that shit and put it in the fridge overnight.

Take the mushrooms and lay them out in a pan or dish, and submerge them in white wine. Cover them if you can, but if not, that's cool. Leave that shit overnight, too.

Next day, you boil the noodles with a dash of salt, and don't rinse them, dammit, or the sauce won't stick.
While you're boiling the noodles, cut the sausage up into pieces and burn the shit out of it. Don't use oil, just pan-fry it; good sausage lubricates itself. Once the sausage is mostly cooked, pull the mushrooms from the wine marinade and throw those fuckers in the pan, too. Once the mushrooms are cooked just enough to make them raw but not so much as to make them wilt, turn off the heat and add your pesto sauce, which by now should have firmed a little since the night before. Mix it all up in the pan and serve on pasta.

You might be wondering if all those very powerful flavors cancel each other out. The answer, surprisingly, from my experience, is that they don't. All those conflicting flavors tend to get along in peace and harmony. Each bite is like being face-fucked with flavor, but there's a lot of subtle differences you'll probably like between the sausage, the pesto, the mushrooms.

While not happy dinner conversation, I'll add that I've known people to wish they had the ability or mettle to induce vomiting just so they could eat more of this dish.

You should cook garlic bread, too, because garlic bread fucking rocks. Also, a salad will help everyone bullshit themselves into thinking this meal isn't, like, 1500 calories.

Half a clove?

You fucking amatuer.

The day I cook with less than three or four full cloves, and I mean big fucking cloves, is the day I staple my dick to my thigh and vote Republican.

... Wait, are the cloves the little, individually-wrapped slivers, or the entire bulb? Because when I said half a clove, I was referring to half of a rather large bulb.

Half a bulb? Okay. You have redeemed yourself in my eyes. Go in peace.

Not my recipe but I thought you all might enjoy this - How to Make Your Own Halloween Candy.