I wake to a new day.I know I can't change the past. I know I am not the same person I was yesterday, and I will change before this day is over. I know I am loved.I know I love. I just woke today and knew that no mater what good I do, I will still have done everything I have done and nothing will change that.

Every morning I wake up, I will know my hands are still red. Every time I look into a mirror, I know I will see my own face. I know that I have killed more people than I care to say. I know that no mater what they did, they all had loved ones.That I forced children to grow up without parents. I forced parents to walk on their children graves. I did all that and more.

I wake up and know that in some way the world is a worse place for having me in it.I also know that if it wasn't me it would have been someone else. I know that most of those people would have done. I know that sometimes people need to die to save others. That doesn't make my actions right. I know am a bad person. I know that if there is a hell I am going to it.

I also know that with everything I have done I can still do things to make a better world.

Better for who?

Better in the short term, or in the long?

What do you want me to say? I don't know who or how I will help in ways I have not already told everyone here.

Well, sometimes its "thats a bad person over there. I think I'll go kill them."
That's hardly much of a difference from killing for wealth (as a means of feeling good/successful) versus killing directly because you hope it will make you feel better ... because they are 'bad'.

On the other hand, swearing totally off violence is something profound; maybe not something I agree with, but profound.

Wow. This is some depressing shit. Some people really don't seem to understand we are the most blessed beings on the planet and don't have a goddamn reason to be unhappy that isn't of our own making.

Ultimax, your naivety is not cute.

Naivete? Are you kidding me?

We are the most blessed beings walking the planet. We've got the power of magic in our hands and in our hearts. If you're miserable it's because you're fucking up your life, not because the world is such an awful place.

Indeed, even I acknowledge the rare need to commit violence.

Ultimax, do you have any idea or clue as to my past? Do you honestly think I have had a charmed life? Never mind you only see what you want to, and never even thought of the fact I killed long before I erupted.

Damn, I'm down with what Ultimax says. Fuck yeah I'm miserable, but that's because that's the way I make myself and I'm actually happy being miserable.

You made your decisions, you weren't forced to do any of that shit Y.T. Face up to it, but live your own life. Fine a hobby, even if it is trying to kill yourself to prove that you can be killed. On second thought, that one is mine, don't take that one.

What?!? Go back to woodstock ya damn hippie!

Y.T., what do you think would make you happy? Do you feel the need to do penance? Maybe you should try to find an organization with goals that you like and do some volunter work. This will not make up for your past but it may help you feel better about your future. You must ask yourself if you are looking for forgiveness or atonement.

If you are just venting, then I hear you man. There are things in my past that I am really not happy about but have learned to live with them. Good luck.