EXT. BATTLEFIELD - DAY

This is a Kashmir battlefield. Two Elites - Dethskul and Meatsmack - are brushing chunks of burnt insurgent off of themselves. Their clothing is in tatters.

DETHSKUL
Aw, I hate it when they
pull the pin out of the
grenade before I kill them.

MEATSMACK
Me too! This was a
brand new outfit!


A third Elite - named Harry Headshot - lands between then. He is wearing a spandex outfit that is spotless.

HARRY HEADSHOT
IEDs again, boys?

DETHSKUL
Aw, Harry - your outfit
always looks so spotless
when you're cleaning out
dissidents! What's your
secret?

MEATSMACK
It can't be eufiber -
you've got that allergy,
just like I do!

HARRY HEADSHOT
Oh, this isn't eufiber,
fellas. This is a
eufiber substitute!

DETHSKUL
A eufiber substitute?

HARRY HEADSHOT
That's right, Dethskul -
it's called 'I Can't
Believe It's Not Eufiber!'


CUT TO

A shot of the spray can the product comes in. The logo is accentuated.



ANNOUNCER
I Can't Believe It's
Not Eufiber uses a
special synthetic polymer
that's quantum-conductive!


CUT TO

The spray can being sprayed onto a nova's perfect muscles It changes color as soon as it touches the skin.

ANNOUNCER
All of the strength and
adaptability of eufiber,
but now every nova can
enjoy its benefits!


CUT TO

The battlefield. All three Elites are outfitted with I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber. A man with an explosive device strapped around his chest runs up to them, screaming.

SUICIDE BOMBER
I kill at your face!


BOOM. He explodes. And asides from leftover bits of suicide bomber, all three Elites are okay, along with their outfits.

HARRY HEADSHOT
Hahaha!

MEATSMACK
HAHAHAHAHAHA!

DETHSKUL
No suicide bomber's going
to mess up our outfits now!
Thanks, Harry!

ANNOUNCER
I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber!
Available through Whitecastle
Science and Technology. Caution:
Use of I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber
may cause drowsiness, feelings of nausea,
and spontaneous conversion to inappropriate
philosophical viewpoints. Do not inquire
about the price of I Can't Believe It's Not
Eufiber if there is a history of heart
disease in your family. Whitecastle Science
and Technology cannot be held responsible
for any loss of time, money, or feeling
in extremities while using this product.
If you are a nova and are pregnant while
using I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber, please
call 1-800-PRO-TEUS for further instructions.
Do not use I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber
if you are nursing a child or a grudge. If
you are currently taking adrenocilin,
moxinoquantamine or Tic-Tacs, please limit
usage of I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber
to no more than two hours a day. Do not use
I Can't Believe It's Not Eufiber while
reading Anne Rice novels. If your
Mazarin-Rashoud node feels "kind of itchy,"
please discontinue use of I Can't Believe
It's Not Eufiber.