Happy, happy funtime! Wanna take a survey with me? C'mon it'll be a blast and we can learn more about each other!

Answer honestly, and with some gusto! 'Yes' and 'No' are so boring.

Given a Hickey?

No. I've only kissed one guy, and he was a complete jerk.

Had a one night stand?

Nope. If matriarchy were still in practice I'd be Queen of the Virgin Islands.

Made someone cry?

Yeah. There was this guy who kept bugging to go out with him, a complete weirdo. He called me up one night (I still have no idea how he got my number) and practically begged me to take his virginity. When I said 'no' he started to cry.

Guys are strange.

Opened your Christmas presents early?

Okay, okay... so I'm a looser. I totally peeked when I was 10 and knew I was getting a Playstation 3. My parents didn't buy the fake surprise, so they grounded me from it for six months.

Total bummer.

Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?

Um... yeah. Almost everyday. I play this really cool MMORPG and since erupting I need like zero snoozage.

Pretended to be someone you weren't online?

Yeah, I'm guilty. Back before I was pretty I used to use a fake picture all the time.

You prolly would have too!

Eaten food that fell on the floor?

I'm a hardcore gamer, we don't waste food, you have to make the most of every morsel because sometimes you can't just up and walk away while Mithril is deploying Bulletproof, Biological-Weapon Deploying Airships of Doom into your base, killing your d00dz!

Five second rule... nuff said.

Been caught cheating?

No, I was home schooled.

Been caught naked?

My mom has walked in on me a few times while changing. She's not used to having to knock now.

Flashed someone?

My kitty, Deacon McFluffles. I'm always flashing the laser pointer around and like an adorable ball of fur he chases it.

What a goob.

Gone out without underwear on?

No way, nuh uh. Not a chance.

Got into a fist fight?

I hate violence. Besides if someone hit me I'd prolly shatter like a vase. Certainly not a healthy way to live.

If you like violence, learn to hug more!

Swallowed bath water?

Um, yeah. Talk about gross. The taste of the bubbles almost made me yawn in Technicolor.

Peed in the pool?

Umm... yes.

Kay moving on...!

Thrown up in public?

At this event about 10 months, 11 days, 14 hours, 2 minutes, and 53 seconds ago I tried some kind of meat spread... I totally hurled and got it all over my boss... his wife... and my new gown.

Considering what I get paid, it was complete waste of money for the gown, but thinking of the look on my boss's face still makes me grin.

Been so drunk you can't walk?

I've never been drunk. Sorry.

Peed in public?

Oh yes! They have restrooms everywhere I go in public.

Broken wind and blamed someone else?

No, I would never do such a thing. It is not my fault however that Deacon McFluffles has a gastro intestinal problem.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

Done something mean you regretted?

This one time I was buying a pack of Magic cards and I was supposed to get .72 cents back for change but the guy was looking at my chest and not the money, so when he gave me a 5 dollar bill I didn't correct him.

Yeah, I know.

Kay, there ya go! Have fun! And feel free to talk to me about my answers, I was honest as I could be!

Given a Hickey?

No. When I was at the age to give them, I was dating men who had to worry about their wives seeing things like that.

Had a one night stand?

Does it count as a one-night stand if you're still screwing at dawn? (Yes. Yes I have.)

Made someone cry?

More than once. I used to make my mother cry all the time, when I was growing up, especially once I quit school. I try not to make people cry deliberately, and I always feel bad if I do it accidentally.

Opened your Christmas presents early?

Every year since I was five. When no one's home to make sure you stay out of them, it's amazing how quickly all that paper and ribbon disappears.

Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?

Once or twice, sure. I lost whole days when I first started visiting the chat room and forums here.

Pretended to be someone you weren't online?

I pretended to be a pre-op transsexual once, to get a chatroom perv off my case.

Eaten food that fell on the floor?

What, are you kidding? If it's not squishy or saucy, sure. Five second rule applies. We can't always be picky!

Been caught cheating?

On another person? No. A lack of serious relationships makes casual sex a fairly simple matter to explain.

Been caught naked?

Caught? When you spend time naked for a living, it's difficult to be "caught" in the buff.

Flashed someone?

For fun and profit. It's amazing how quickly police officers forget how fast you were going when the neckline of your shirt "accidentally" falls down.

Gone out without underwear on?

Oh, all the time. It's just a matter of convenience, I think.

Got into a fist fight?

Once or twice, when I was younger. I used to be quite the hellion. Girls in school hated me because their boyfriends loved me, and later it was a matter of defending the place I'd found to sleep that night.

Swallowed bath water?

Yeah. I was utterly and completely wasted one night after work, and Eve was watching a movie, I think. I decided to take a bath, passed out, and woke up with a lungful of Calgon-scented water. It may smell sweet, but it definitely does not taste that way.

Peed in the pool?

When I was about nine, there were two bigger boys (maybe 11-12 years old or so) at the city pool who kept dunking me underwater and splashing me. Someone tossed one of those weighted rings in, and when they both dove for it, I swam right over their heads and went right there.

Thrown up in public?

Fortunately, no. I've always been somewhere at least semi-private.

Been so drunk you can't walk?

Ohhh, yes. If you're looking for a single instance, I'm afraid I can't pick one. It happens less often now, of course, but I still like getting smashed now and again.

Peed in public?

Only in approved restrooms.

Broken wind and blamed someone else?

Nope. It's not my fault Warren can't control himself at the Burrito Barn. Besides, he usually just admits it anyway.

Done something mean you regretted?

Yes.

Given a Hickey?

Yes, in high-school. Now I give multiple-orgasms.


Had a one night stand?

A few times when I found camp followers interesting.

Made someone cry?

Yes, if you count the sobbing someone does when they realize an implaccable force of violence is about to end their miserable life.

Opened your Christmas presents early?

No, never. I loved the suspense as a kid. Still do.

Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?

Yes, but that isn't really that impressive. I don't need anywhere near as much sleep as I used to and if I'm off and don't feel like messing with folks it's a good place to hang out.

Pretended to be someone you weren't online?

No, that's just fucking sad.

Eaten food that fell on the floor?

Back after I erupted and still hadn't mastered the art of controlling my hunger I ate some heinous shit while in the field. The floor would have been a fucking improvement.

Been caught cheating?

I don't cheat. Period.


Been caught naked?

Before eufibre and an encounter with a flamethrower, yes. They were sorry they caught me though. Getting your arms ripped off by a naked guy isn't as good a story as getting your arms ripped off by a dude in a cool looking camo outfit.

Flashed someone?

No.

Gone out without underwear on?

Usually, it's pretty comfortable.

Got into a fist fight?

Hell yes.

Swallowed bath water?

Yes. Fucking disgusting.

Peed in the pool?

I'm a guy.



Thrown up in public?

Even when I was a baseline I didn't puke. Weird stomach.

Been so drunk you can't walk?

No. Never was a big drinker.

Peed in public?

Yes. Whenever I'd go up skiing.

Broken wind and blamed someone else?

I admit nothing.

Done something mean you regretted?

Yeah, I have. Some personal stuff and some professional. All pre-eruption though.

Given a Hickey?
Sometimes love gets a little rough, sure. But is someone really making a big deal over hickies anymore?

Had a one night stand?
Yes, sure. But not in a while. I've really got to drop from this 'dry spell'.

Made someone cry?
Absolutely I did. Through physical and mental torture, too. Some people just deserve it.

Opened your Christmas presents early?
Yes. I do love surprises, but I have absolutely no patients for those kind of things. I hate to wait

Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?
I think ten hours is a little much of anything, besides sleeping. Its not that I need sleep, its that I love sleep as a means of wasting time.

Pretended to be someone you weren't online?
Long story. Next question?

Eaten food that fell on the floor?
Fuck yes I have. I've eaten things that've visited the dark depths of the worst imaginations. And those were the things that I've eaten that've been thrown onto my set.

Been caught cheating?
Uh.. In school I think? It doesn't really count though, because I wanted to be caught.

Been caught naked?
Sure. I live with two guys, and they are total fucking pigs.

Flashed someone?
Yeah, again, back in school. It was funnier when I was illegal.

Gone out without underwear on?
'Free Ballin'. Hehe. I love that term, but its never applicable to myself.

Got into a fist fight?
Oh, most definitely. I usually start them. Usually.

Swallowed bath water?
Yeah. It sure was water alright. I don't get it.. whats so disgusting about it?

Peed in the pool?
Sure. Still do, if the pool is big enough. No funny story of revenge or anything. Its just convenient, and urine isn't harmful to anyone else. It just gets you a little wet, and a little smelly. But in a pool, that never seems to matter.

Thrown up in public?
When I was younger, I stuck my finger down my throat to remain skinny. Public rest rooms and people I didn't like included.

Been so drunk you can't walk?
What kind of rock star would I be if I said no?

Peed in public?
See above. The pool question. Also, woods, dark corners, sides of roads, etc.

Broken wind and blamed someone else?
Broken wind? What a fucking shitty term. But this is another thing that isn't a problem. The guys I live with are fucking pigs, and no one even bothers asking.

Done something mean you regretted?
Once or twice, yes. I have a tendancy to be really, really fucking mean.

Alright. I was just going to laugh and perhaps masturbate over Funshine Bear's responses, but Jugs had to go and make this interesting.

Given a Hickey?

Can't imagine that I didn't at some point. Hickeys don't have to be on the neck, right? Because if not, I've given a shitload of hickeys on nipples and poons and shit like that. Mostly at the age kids on my school were giving each other hickeys, my crew showed we loved each other by sharing liquor and giving cigarette burns.

Had a one night stand?

Nah. Was always worried the Thai ladyboy hooker wouldn't respect me in the morning.

Made someone cry?

Not today, but the day ain't over yet.

Opened your Christmas presents early?

I must have been ten the last time I pulled some shit like that. Christmas stopped being a big deal by the time I was sixteen years old, anyway, but yeah, when I was ten, I pulled that shit and my old man told me that if I didn't apologize and chop wood he'd take everything back and cancel Christmas. I called bullshit, and as it turns out, my old man wasn't bluffing. Good lesson.

Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?

I haven't been offline since 15:44:32, 19 Aug 2009.

Pretended to be someone you weren't online?

Shit, with a winning personality and roguish, chiseled looks like mine, why the fuck would I want to pretend to be someone else? That'd be like a gourmet chef choosing to east a plastic bag full of hair.

Eaten food that fell on the floor?

Once you've sampled the cuisine at an Iraqi POW camp, the stigma against eating day-old pizza that fell cheese-first onto a green shag carpet covered in butts and soaked in gin fades significantly.

Been caught cheating?

Nothing to get caught at. I don't do that shit.

Been caught naked?

Not so much "caught" as "arrested on Drunk & Disorderly and Public Exposure".

Flashed someone?

I don't know, if we're talking about just giving someone a full moon, I think it'd be easier to count the people who I haven't. Full frontal, on the other hand, that'd mostly just be that bus full of nuns. Hey, not to worry, those little sluts loved it.

Gone out without underwear on?

Yeah, I mean I only wear underwear only about...65% of the time, honestly, otherwise, I'm just freeballin'.

Got into a fist fight?

Yeah, but in my defense, that baby was a total asshole.

Swallowed bath water?

Nah, but I'd drink Jugs', if given the shot. Fuck, I'd crawl a mile through broken glass to suck the dick that still had her funk on it.

Peed in the pool?

Man, where haven't I hosed?

Thrown up in public?

I like to think Mr. Allin appreciated my enthusiasm. It's also comforting to know that there'll always be a little piece of me in the great venue that was CBGB's.

Been so drunk you can't walk?

What the fuck is wrong with you, asking that question? You fuckin' sadist. What, do you go up to crippled people dancing, you miserable fuck? Man. Fuckin' tease.

Peed in public?

See above.

Broken wind and blamed someone else?

... ... No. No, man. Why...? Why the fuck would you do that?

Done something mean you regretted?

You ever meet a man without regrets? Boring fuckers, aren't they?

I couldn't resist

Given a Hickey?

Once or twice. Received a few too.

Had a one night stand?

A few, in my misspent youth before I was married. They tend to be overrated, but there was this one girl who did this... nevermind.

Made someone cry?

All too many times. I wish I hadn't, too. Sometimes tears need to come out, but I never feel good about it.

Unless it's a Soma dealer / manufacturer or similar lowlife. Then I just feel disgusted.


Opened your Christmas presents early?

All the time. My wife and I were atheists, but we didn't see that as any reason not to get presents for each other at Christmas. We always let each other open one present before the day.

Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?

Sometimes, whether gaming online or just researching the OpNet.

Pretended to be someone you weren't online?

A few times. It's handy to have false leads and anonymity sometimes.

Eaten food that fell on the floor?

To quote Contessa:

Five second rule... nuff said.

Been caught cheating?

I've never cheated, romantically or otherwise.

Been caught naked?

Practically my base state of being now I kill eufiber by touching it: clothes are optional, especially when going into hostile environments. As far as I'm concerned, I've not got anything to be ashamed of.

Flashed someone?

Back when I was young and human, sure. Drunk young man out on the town: sometimes you just have to moon the world.

Gone out without underwear on?

Frequently. I'm not wearing any right now, in fact.

Got into a fist fight?

A lot. I remember having aggression issues as a human, starting in adolescence. And of course, I've gotten into too many conflicts since my eruption, not all of them with people it'd be a good idea to hug instead.

Swallowed bath water?

Gah! Yes. One reason I always took showers whenever possible.

Peed in the pool?

If I did, I was too young to be embarrassed about it.

Thrown up in public?

Once, when my wife was murdered and the cops asked me to I.D the body. It was the emotional conflict (rage/grief/guilt) that caused me to throw up.

Been so drunk you can't walk?

A few times: early experiments in Ratarsedology 101

Peed in public?

Not where anyone could see.

Broken wind and blamed someone else?

Sometimes. My favorite one to blame was my brother when we were kids.

Done something mean you regretted?

If by mean, you mean mean-spirited, then: yes, a few times. I think the worst (and funniest) was telling Caestus Pax that his T2M suit was fine when it had actually bunched up badly around his arse like a giant wedgie (this was before eufiber). He was walking out onto stage before he realised, then spent the entire press conference making sure no cameras were behind him. But that was mean of me and I do regret it, no matter what my feelings may be towards him now.

Might as well.

Given a hickey?
Yep.

Had a one-night stand?
Many, many one-night stands. Oddly, no standing was involved.

Made someone cry?
Yes.

Opened your Christmas presents early?
Surprisingly, no. I knew I'd get the damn things eventually.


Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?
Yes. Oh God yes.

Pretended to be someone you weren't online?
I get enough of pretending to be someone I'm not at work.

Eaten food that fell on the floor?
Three-second rule. Five seconds? That's just unsanitary.

Been caught cheating?
On a math test, yes. In a relationship, no. I've only been in a real 'relationship' once. Not many opportunities TO cheat.

Been caught naked?
It's most unfortunate to sleepwalk if you make a habit of sleeping in the nude. Especially if the doors are unlocked.

Gone out without underwear on?
See above.

Got into a fist fight?
Yes. As well as knife fights and gun fights. It's all definitely un-fun when you can't break baseline hands with your face.

Swallowed bath water?
Maybe in infancy.

Peed in the pool?
Is there a pool I haven't peed in?

Broken wind and blamed someone else?
No comment.

Thrown up in public?
Yes. Nowadays I don't throw up.

Been so drunk you can't walk?
Yes, but not recently.

Peed in public?
Once. No details.

Done something mean you regretted?
Yep. I figure I'm a pro at Regretting by now.

Self-inflicted I'm sure, a byproduct of your constant verbal masturbation.



I find this hard to believe. I'm a journalist, I know your Rep.



Ew ew ew ew ew ew EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Given a Hickey?

Yes, but she doesn't like to be bitten so I've stopped.

Had a one night stand?

Yep. Shortly after I got my powers Vile Bill and I went out drinking and he introduced me to some of his "friends".

Made someone cry?

Probably. I accidently wiped out most of a village so I assume some of them cried afterwards.

Opened your Christmas presents early?

No. I'm not sure if it's ever even occured to me.


Been online for more than 10 hours in a row?

Sure. I don't sleep much and have multiple selves around, so it's something that happens a few times a week.

Pretended to be someone you weren't online?

I've strongly avoided mentioning that I'm a nova much less Dr. Troll, and have simply been a generic guy.

Eaten food that fell on the floor?

Tried this as a baseline with a piece of pop corn and got the stomace virus. Since eruption I've done it a couple of times without a problem, but the rule in the household is that if it falls on the floor then it belongs to the dog.

Been caught cheating?

No. Not sure if this was ethics or lack of opportunity. Not much point copying from someone else's homework when you expect yours to be better.

Been caught naked?

Yes. My kid has walked in on me and I've let my wife "catch" me on several occasions.

Flashed someone?

Nope.

Gone out without underwear on?

Nope again.

Got into a fist fight?

Yep. Many times, when I'm green I love it.

Swallowed bath water?

Not since I was a kid, if then. I've had showers as long as I can remember.

Peed in the pool?

No...

Thrown up in public?

Yeah. I had a weak stomace as a kid... and pre-eruption for that matter. I've gotten litteraly sick in public at least 3 times.


Been so drunk you can't walk?

No... as a baseline I'd start throwing up before I'd lose the ability to walk. Now I'm not sure I can get that drunk.

Peed in public?

Nope.

Broken wind and blamed someone else?

No, but I have just ignored it.

Done something mean you regretted?

I think killing hundreds of people counts.